March 13

I've gone back and forth with my therapist over each session this week about this. I still don't know if I can do this. I can't get past the first like 5 sentences before I find myself on the floor trying to control my breathing like she taught me or over the toilet dry heaving.
I do seem to be getting deeper into this story, well okay maybe only one or two sentences but that's something right? Maybe Julie is on to something?
So anyway here it is again from the start. I can already feel the nausea hitting but less so than last week.
I was about 6 or so at the time and I believe it was a fall day because as I mentioned I can really  feel the crisp air hitting my lungs to this day.
I was running through the wooded park near by playing tag with the neighbor kids. I saw two trees close together that I knew I could shoot through to get to a good hiding place right behind it. Since I was a kid I decided to go through it instead of around it. Probably the worst decision of my life. 
I shot through the trees and instantly felt the strands of spiderweb hit my face. It was awful. Those wisps that you never quite see but always feel. But I was 6 and this wasn't exactly new as we always played in these woods.
What happened next still haunts me to this day.
I felt something move.
Oh god
I can do this
Just keep typing
you can do this
you can-
I felt something move against my cheek.
That awful feeling. I can taste my adrenaline rising as it did then. That awful bitter feeling as your brain goes in to full on panic mode. Ready to kick off fight-or-flight. My heart is racing right now but I must get through this.
I screamed as hard as I could and started tearing at my cheek. It was that idea that this spider was caught between the web and my face. That it was some huge monster that will most definitely kill me if I couldn't get it off first.
It's too much
Not today.



Previous entry here.