March 13

I've gone back and forth with my therapist over each session this week about this. I still don't know if I can do this. I can't get past the first like 5 sentences before I find myself on the floor trying to control my breathing like she taught me or over the toilet dry heaving.
I do seem to be getting deeper into this story, well okay maybe only one or two sentences but that's something right? Maybe Julie is on to something?
So anyway here it is again from the start. I can already feel the nausea hitting but less so than last week.
I was about 6 or so at the time and I believe it was a fall day because as I mentioned I can really  feel the crisp air hitting my lungs to this day.
I was running through the wooded park near by playing tag with the neighbor kids. I saw two trees close together that I knew I could shoot through to get to a good hiding place right behind it. Since I was a kid I decided to go through it instead of around it. Probably the worst decision of my life. 
I shot through the trees and instantly felt the strands of spiderweb hit my face. It was awful. Those wisps that you never quite see but always feel. But I was 6 and this wasn't exactly new as we always played in these woods.
What happened next still haunts me to this day.
I felt something move.
Oh god
I can do this
Just keep typing
you can do this
you can-
I felt something move against my cheek.
That awful feeling. I can taste my adrenaline rising as it did then. That awful bitter feeling as your brain goes in to full on panic mode. Ready to kick off fight-or-flight. My heart is racing right now but I must get through this.
I screamed as hard as I could and started tearing at my cheek. It was that idea that this spider was caught between the web and my face. That it was some huge monster that will most definitely kill me if I couldn't get it off first.
It's too much
Not today.



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March 5

So after today's session, Julie told me that I still need to do this.
Okay. So here we go.
We were playing tag and I had just decided to run between two close trees. As I said it was dusk so it was really hard to see anyway.
I remember distinctly the feel of the cooler air as I ran through trees. As soon as I cleared the trees I felt it. That normally annoying but benign feeling of the spiderweb on my face. That thi-
Sorry I had to get some air. I think I got this now
That feeling of the invisible awful filaments of nothingness just sticking to my face. Now this wasn't exactly a new feeling for me as it was the woods and I was a kid but this time something was different.
As I went to remove it from my face like anyone would, I felt it.
There in my cheek something moved. Oh god it was awful. I-
I still can't do this



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March 3

So my therapist told me to keep this journal as a way to get my issues out of my head and
well
I guess to work through them in a 'productive' way. She says it's generalized anxiety caused by my arachnophobia which causes paranoia. She says it's best to start at the beginning and stop wherever I feel like stopping. Pick it up again, etc.
So I guess, here we go.
It started when I was a kid. I'd say it's about 6 or so. Typical 'burbs life. Play outside until dark with the neighbor kids etc. On a night much like any other we were running through a wooded park area a couple blocks over. I can remember it vividly. Still have nightmares about it even.
It was just about dusk, that sunset time where things just become impossible to see. We're playing tag and I'm looking for a place to hide. I go to skirt through two trees and hit a spider web. Oh god that awful feeling of the near invisible strings on my face its
I
I can't do this.



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